I have an impressive, well organized collection of fast food sauce packets and tubs, some of them quite rare. I keep them around for saucing emergencies, like if Taco Bell decides to ignore my request for 10 Fire Sauce packets, or McDonald’s gives me BBQ sauce instead of Sweet ‘n Sour. (I also hoard McDonald’s straws, as they are key to Diet Coke consumption.) Recently, I’ve expanded my collection to the fridge, where I keep bottles of store-bought, fast food branded sauces, and you should too.
If you haven’t noticed, we are living in a silver age of sauce accessibility. Chick-fil-A, Taco Bell, Arby’s, and even mid-tier chains like Olive Garden and P.F. Changs now bottle their sauces so that we, the consumers, may take them home and pour them on our homemade chicken, tacos, roast beef sandwiches, and endless salad bowls. (One sauce you can’t buy bottled, tragically, is McDonald’s Sweet ‘n Sour, but they will let you buy as many tubs as you like for 25 cents each. Ah well, nevertheless.)
At first I thought these sauces were a silly bourgeoisie indulgence. If I want fast food, I’ll get fast food! But then I saw a bag of frozen chicken nuggets on sale for five bucks, and suddenly that bottle of Chick-fil-A sauce looked mighty appealing. Then it clicked: I was depriving myself of sauce for no good reason. Chick-fil-A’s nuggets are delicious, but I can make chicken nuggets that taste very similar to theirs (or buy a dupe at Walmart). What I can’t do is make a mass-produced dipping sauce. I don’t have the ingredients or the equipment.
A random selection of sauces you can buy (all of which are good on chicken nuggets):
Assuming the chicken nuggets are an ounce each, an $11 bag of nuggets and $4 bottle of sauce gets me 24 nuggets and 16 ounces of sauce for $15. Two 12-count boxes of at Chick-fil-A nugs will set you back about $20, depending on where you live. That’s significant savings that would be even more significant if you grabbed a bag of cheaper (or discounted) chicken nuggets. Either way, the combination scratches my fast food itch, and I don’t have to feel like a bad bisexual for giving $15 to Chick-fil-A. (I know the homophobe isn’t directly involved with the company anymore, but he still makes money off of the brand. In any case, $4 is less guilt-inducing than $15.)
Beyond savings, buying bottled sauces allows me to enjoy certain Taco Bell menu items, even the ones they giveth and taketh away. While it’s easy enough to make a Crunchwrap (breakfast, regular, or Thanksgiving-flavored) at home, making an Avocado Ranch Crispy Chicken Taco is a little more challenging, unless you have the sauce. Walmart, as it turns out, has the sauce, as does Amazon. (Both are a little pricier than the Chick-fil-A sauce, likely due to the “here-you-go-just-kidding” nature of Taco Bell product rollouts.) Drizzle some of that stuff on a chicken tender wrapped in a flour tortilla, along with shredded cheese and the usual Taco Bell vegetables, and you’ve got something nearly indistinguishable from a “limited” Taco Bell menu item.
Don’t deprive yourself of a silly treat, is basically what I’m saying. When eating fast food, it is often the sauce that makes the (happy) meal. A well placed, mass-produced condiment can make cheap frozen food taste like less cheap fast food, saving you a money and a trip to the drive-thru.
