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You and your partner have broken up. You’ve made arrangements, gotten your stuff back, cried, grieved—basically ran the gamut of emotions—and now you want what most people want after a breakup: closure.
It’s normal. A breakup typically brings with it a lot of “what ifs” and different scenarios as we play and replay what caused the relationship to fall apart, including what we could’ve done differently. Whether we were surprised or not by the breakup, many of us seek closure so we can finally gain clarity from our ex in the hopes of moving on.
“Closure is accepting and understanding the finality of the end of a relationship,” says Saba Harouni Lurie, a licensed marriage and family therapist. “It’s a concept that many strive for and desire when a relationship concludes. Given how painful it can be to have a relationship end, especially when it’s not on your terms, it makes sense that people would pursue the idea that you can finally say goodbye to a relationship and move on from it.”
While seeking closure from your ex is a common response after a breakup, it can be a tricky situation to facilitate for a number of reasons.
“In an ideal world, an ex would be available to offer caring and clear information about why the relationship has ended,” Lurie says. “This would require an ex who has insight into their own responses to the relationship. Unfortunately, sometimes when a relationship ends, your ex might not have the capacity or insight to answer questions in a way that would allow for closure, especially if they are hurting or are in self-protection mode.”
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But if you’re keen to gain clarity and hopefully peace from your ex—and they are open to having that conversation with you—here are some steps you can take to have the closure conversation you need.
Get clear on what closure means to you
Because every relationship and every breakup is different, having closure means something different for everyone. “If you’re hoping to seek closure from an ex, ask yourself what that would look like,” Lurie explains. “And ask yourself if there’s a chance that speaking with your ex could cause you damage, doing more harm than good. Ask yourself what you need to finally accept the end of the relationship and move on, and if this is something you can offer yourself.”
Sometimes we think we need the answers from an ex when what we’re really looking for is accepting the answers from ourselves. As Lurie points out, “Consider that if your partner is the one that ended the relationship, there’s a chance that speaking with them might not give you the answers and closure you’re seeking.”
How to broach the subject of receiving closure from an ex
Before you ask your ex to talk again, Lurie recommends giving it some time since ending a relationship is often a messy and lengthy process. “You may decide to wait until you feel ready to talk with your ex, or you may express understanding if they aren’t prepared to speak just yet.”
Once you feel the time is right, she suggests cutting to the chase for the reason behind your reach out.
“You can broach the subject of receiving closure by asking if they would be open to discussing the relationship with you and clarifying that you hope to better understand why it didn’t work out,” Lurie says.
What to ask your ex during the conversation
If your ex has agreed to talk with you, Lurie suggests asking the following questions that might help you get the closure you need.
Are you hurting too? “Ideally, if you’re asking this question, you’re not asking it to find a way back into the relationship but for validation that the feelings you both experienced in the relationship were significant for both of you,” Lurie says. “Knowing that you’re both hurting won’t make the pain disappear, but it might offer some comfort through validation.”
Can you help me understand what happened to us? According to Lurie, “if you’re still confused about why the relationship ended, accessing your ex’s perspective of what didn’t work may help you understand things differently.”
What could I have done differently? What do you wish you had done differently? “In almost all relationships, both parties will have some fault,” Lurie says. “Asking about what you could have done differently may allow you to consider your own limitations and what you might want to work on for future relationships, if anything.” Simultaneously, she adds that asking about what your ex wishes they had done differently “hopefully prompts them to take some accountability and to validate that neither of you was entirely responsible for the relationship not working out.”
What to do if your ex doesn’t want to talk to you
It’s important to be prepared that your ex might not want to talk with you. In this case, the closure you’re seeking must be something you give to yourself. To do this, Lurie recommends starting by acknowledging and validating the pain you’re experiencing. “Expressing and understanding that it makes sense that you’re struggling given how much you may have invested in the relationship and the nature of its ending,” she says. “Then it might help to reflect on the relationship and consider it from your perspective and your ex’s. Offer yourself empathy and care, and ask yourself how you can honor the relationship and what you’ll need to move on.”
If you allow yourself to truly honor your needs while giving yourself a big dose of self-compassion, you should find the peace you need to move on for good.
