The zoo or aquarium is supposed to be a place for children to learn more about the natural world. But over the last few years, the creatures that reside in these sanctuaries have inspired the names of several parenting styles, with tigers, jellyfish, and dolphins dominating the kingdom.
Tiger parenting is often cited by experts as an authoritarian method. It can overrun a child’s self-motivation and internal controls. But jellyfish parenting, known for its spineless, indulgent style, has once again dominated the conversation, and most experts frown upon this method.
Why you should be a “dolphin parent”
According to Dr. Shimi Kang, the author who coined the term in her book The Self-Motivated Kid: How to Raise Happy, Healthy Children Who Know What They Want and Go After It (Without Being Told), explained in Psychology Today that jellyfish parents, who want to avoid overstimulating their kids like a tiger parent, have “few rules or expectations” for their children. Parents offer little structure or confrontation, and it can lead to a lack of impulse control.
But there is an animal parenting style that’s a happy medium between the tiger and jellyfish: the dolphin. Like the body of the mighty bottle-nosed sea creature, dolphin parents are firm but flexible, giving their kids rules while also allowing them to be social and creative.
But how does a jellyfish parent evolve into a dolphin? Here are ways parents of all stripes can offer their children structure without dominating their kingdom.
Teach kids to make good decisions (and set an example)
Decisions aren’t easy to make at any age, so the sooner kids learn to put serious thought into their choices, the better. The Child Mind Institute recommends giving younger children two options when making decisions, such as choosing a restaurant. Weigh the pros and cons of each choice out loud. As they approach their tween and teen years, if it doesn’t put them in harm’s way, trust in their decisions and offer guidance when needed or requested. Mistakes can be your child’s best teacher.
One of the goals of dolphin parenting is to “help children develop internal control and self-motivation.” The best way to do that without being overbearing is for your children to see you modeling the behaviors that will show them the benefits of being curious and courteous people. This can mean showing them what’s important to you and practicing self-care, including exercise and rest.
Work together on creating rules (and the consequences)
Having a clear set of rules can help give your kids structure. Remember: Dolphins are firm but flexible, which means the rules will change as they get older and become more responsible. Per the Australian parenting website Raising Children, involving your kids in writing your family’s rules (and determining the consequences for breaking them), even at a young age, means they’ll be more likely to keep them. It also allows them to take more responsibility for their behavior as they grow into adults.
Help your kids set long-term goals
To assist in giving children structure and encourage their creativity, you can help them set an attainable goal. According to VeryWell Family, it helps if it meets the following criteria:
It’s specific, such as learning the piano.It has a deadline.It is sincere (i.e. they—not you—want to reach it).When a goal is set, it helps if your kid writes it down with the steps needed to reach it. This will help them get into a motivational mindset and solidify why their goal is important to them.
Give yourself some grace
Parenting is stressful, and we’re often harder on ourselves than our children are on us. As parenting expert Sarah Ockwell-Smith told Fatherly, there’s some work parents need to do to grow into a dolphin:
“All parenting starts with us. By that, I mean focusing on our own demons, making peace with our own upbringing, and working to understand our triggers,” she says. “If we don’t focus on being a calmer parent, then it doesn’t matter what techniques we try to use.”
