Photo: Evgeny Atamanenko (Shutterstock)
One of the big shifts between our parents’ generation and ours is the increasing number of families who are choosing to raise their children without religious beliefs. In a 2019 survey that was conducted by the American Enterprise Institute, only 42% of families with children under the age of 18 report attending religious services regularly—compare that with the 61% of parents who are now over the age of 65 (and have grown children) who reported attending religious services regularly when their kids were young.
What this means, practically speaking, is there are a lot of parents who were raised celebrating holidays like Christmas and Easter in a Christian household who now celebrating those same holidays with their own children—but in a secular way. This may be confusing for kids who have friends or classmates who celebrate the same holiday but from more of a religious lens.
First, talk to your kids about religion
At some point, your child might come home from school or from the neighbor’s house with questions about why you don’t have a nativity scene on display—or why you never told them about baby Jesus. If they do, that’s the perfect opening to begin talking about religion; but even if they don’t ask, having these conversations throughout their childhood is important so they can better understand the beliefs of others.
To get advice on how to do so, we talked to journalist Wendy Thomas Russell, author of the book, Relax, It’s Just God: How and Why to Talk to Your Kids About Religion When You’re Not Religious, earlier this year:
Openness, Russell says, should be one of your main guiding principles when talking to children about your religious beliefs (or non-beliefs, as the case may be). You can be open about what you believe, even if those beliefs are different from the religion you’re discussing—and you can discuss both viewpoints without assigning shame to anyone.
“I think when it comes down to it, it’s actually not overly complicated,” she says. “We just make it complicated because we have all of these assumptions and all this baggage, honestly, from our own upbringings and our own experiences that are kind of coloring how we view this situation.”
So if they come to you asking about Jesus, you can say, “Well, people who are Christians believe that a man named Jesus was the son of God, and here is what people of other religions believe, and here is what I believe.” It can all be very matter-of-fact without directing the kids themselves on what to believe—that’s something they will (and should) determine on their own over time.
Talk about—and embrace—the holiday traditions that aren’t based in religion
Just because you don’t emphasize Christian beliefs, though, certainly doesn’t mean you can’t celebrate Christmas—you’ll probably just want to lean in on the non-religious ways of celebrating. And there are plenty to choose from.
“Most of the ways we celebrate religious holidays have nothing to do with Christianity,” said Sarah Miller, the executive director of Camp Quest, which supports inclusive secular summer camps for youth.
For example, a lot of the Christmas traditions—including the Christmas tree itself—have roots in paganism, and were originally about celebrating the winter solstice, which is the longest night of the year. When you have no electricity, no central heating, and the ground has been covered in frost or snow for months, celebrating the longest night of the year by decorating an evergreen tree was a sign of hope that in the coming months, the snow would melt, and the flowers would, once again, bloom.
As another example, Easter was originally based on the vernal equinox, with eggs and bunnies representing fertility and the arrival of spring. It’s thought that the origin of the word “Easter” came from a goddess of spring and fertility. When it’s been a long, cold winter, it’s natural to want to celebrate the re-emergence of the first spring plants.
Instead of reading religious stories for Christmas, you can read books that explain the history of these holidays, such as “The Return of the Light: Twelve Tales from Around the World for the Winter Solstice,” by Carolyn McVickar Edwards, “The Shortest Day: Celebrating the Winter Solstice” by Wendy Pfeffer, or “Oh, The Things We Believed!” which explains some of the history of certain religious traditions.
And then you can lean in on the traditions you love, whether it’s baking cookies, decorating the tree, hosting a large family dinner, volunteering for a local non-profit organization, or stuffing stockings.
“Whatever you enjoy as a family, do that,” Miller said.
