My daughter has had a cough for a few weeks. The pediatrician says it’s no big deal, but I could try a nebulizer if I want. I didn’t order saline for the machine until the next day. The tiny package of saline is somewhere among 12 packages of school supplies that I have spent another day ignoring. I hear my daughter cough and think, “I need to go find the saline and set up that machine, but I can’t face that pile of school supplies, and she will just be annoyed if I make her stop playing to do the treatment! Why am I so bad at this!?!”
If you also (over)react to parenting pitfalls by isolating yourself, judging yourself, or feeling self-contempt, you may have Shitty Parent Syndrome. Clinical social worker Carla Naumberg writes about it in her book You Are Not a Sh*tty Parent: How to Practice Self-Compassion and Give Yourself a Break.
“We assume we’re the only ones who have ever suffered and screwed up the way we’re suffering and screwing up, we judge the shit out of ourselves for it, and we treat ourselves as if we don’t deserve even the most basic approval or respect,” Naumburg writes.
Seven methods for overcoming “shitty parent syndrome”
Recognize the second arrow of suffering
What you’re going through— a tantrum phase with a toddler, having less energy for endless school activities, losing your patience with a mouthy teenager— is probably a totally normal and common parenting experience. It stings, it hurts; you have to heal from what feels like an arrow in your side. The “second arrow of suffering” is the voice telling you it’s your fault, that it says something global about your whole parenting experience, or that you are alone and will never figure it out.
The first arrow is the actual problem that you need support for. The second arrow is the unnecessary shame and judgment you pile on top of the problem— which, by the way, doesn’t help you solve anything. Instead, shame, blame, and contempt prevent healing.
Believe everyone is going through it
As Naumburg writes, “chaos is normal, and you’re not alone.” It may feel impossible to believe when you seem to be the only one who’s sweating, exasperated, and on the verge of tears. But legitimately, that mom was crying in her closet at bedtime last night, and that dad doesn’t know the names of his children’s pediatrician or teacher, and that family over there almost skipped this birthday party because they’ve been up every night with the baby and no one remembered to buy a gift or do laundry this week.
You don’t know because we don’t talk about it. We judge ourselves in silence and assume everyone else knows what they’re doing. Which is why the next point is so important.
Speak frankly and honestly with other parents
We could all stand to say (and hear) the words “I’m having a hard time today/this week/this year.” It opens the conversation for other parents to say, “Me too, honestly” or “What do you need?” Don’t you love it when someone in the second-grade Facebook group says the thing you have been thinking all week? Not because we enjoy another’s suffering, but because it’s rare to see concrete evidence that you are not the only one stressing over this solar system project. As Naumburg writes, “Connection is the antidote to isolation.”
Avoid Instagram
One way to relieve yourself of Shitty Parent Syndrome is to connect with other parents, but Naumburg doesn’t recommend connecting through social media where everyone is putting on their best show. We all know it’s not real, so why do we torture ourselves?
Try this game: Whenever a social media post makes you feel like a loser or a shitty parent, vow to exchange at least five words face-to-face with another parent before you open that app again.
Replace “I” with “we” when you are judging yourself
This trick reminds you of our common humanity as parents and people trying to live in connection with other people. Instead of saying, “I am so bad at parent-teacher conferences,” try, “We are so bad at parent-teacher conferences.” Because we all are. We are all nervous, pressed for time, afraid the teacher doesn’t like our child, or afraid we won’t show proper humility when a teacher says glowing things about them.
Know who your trusted adults are
Maybe you have a stacked roster of parent friends, and you all keep each other emotionally healthy with honesty, support, and compassion. Most of us don’t have that. But even if you don’t, there probably are people who will unfailingly tell you you are doing a good job when you’re struggling. A friend, or a pediatrician, teacher, cousin, neighbor, great aunt, even a yoga instructor. They don’t have to be your best friend—just a trusted adult who will listen and not judge you.
Make a list and save it in your Notes app. Reviewing that list may be enough to get you through a shitty parenting day until your next chance to chat with one of them.
Disconnect from bullshit
Start to notice what people, experiences, or virtual spaces leave you feeling like a shitty parent, isolated, or ashamed. Unfollow, make other plans, say no, and look the other way when you see them coming. You don’t have to compete, make them like you, or prove you are not a shitty parent. You also don’t have to punish yourself by voluntarily returning to spaces that make you feel shitty at parenting or otherwise.
