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Raising teenagers is tough. They’re still dependent on you for their everyday needs, but they also have a mind of their own—so while you can nudge them in certain directions, there is only so much you can do if they refuse to do something. When it comes to schoolwork, you can tell them about the importance of working hard and set an example of fulfilling obligations, but if they’re refusing to study or do their homework, your options are limited. Of course, you can take away their phone or ground them from seeing their friends, but there’s a chance they’ll still dig in their heels (while ruining your relationship in the process). If a teenager is refusing to do their homework, what can you do?
There’s usually an underlying reason
Generally speaking, most kids—teenagers included—want to do well. However, if there’s something interfering (say, confusion about the instructions, difficulties with the subject, or an issue with their ability to focus), then it can lead to a situation where they feel it’s easier to just refuse to do it rather than admit that they’re struggling. As parents, it’s our job to try and figure out what is really going on, even if all you are getting from them are monosyllabic answers and eye-rolls.
“We have to get curious, as adults, to figure out what is underneath,” said Elaine Taylor-Klaus, founder of the organization Impact Parents and author of the book The Essential Guide to Raising Complex Kids with ADHD, Anxiety, and More. What looks like refusal on the surface might be a teenager shutting down because they’re being asked to do something that feels too big, difficult, or impossible to the point that refusing to do the work, even with the associated consequences, seems like the easier option. “Ambiguity can really shut our kids down,” Taylor-Klaus said.
This can be especially true if they’ve been made to feel ashamed or uncomfortable for asking help in the past, whether it’s from seeing their classmates do the task with ease, a teacher who hasn’t been particularly helpful, or parents who are too far removed from the work to remember how difficult it can be. This can also be true is a teenager is a perfectionist, as not doing something may feel less terrifying than doing something wrong. “Not doing homework is a symptom,” Taylor-Klaus said. “We want to figure out what it is a symptom of.”
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If your teenager is having extreme difficulties with math or reading, or struggling to stay focused or organized in spite of their best intentions, then it’s a good idea to talk with their pediatrician to see if they need to be evaluated for dyscalculia, dyslexia, ADHD, or other treatable disorders. If the issues are due to an underlying disorder, diagnosis and treatment will offer strategies that can help support their specific needs, while also providing some much-needed context for their struggles.
Teen independence comes in four stages
By the time your child reaches their teenage years, they’re getting to a point when it’s time for them to be assuming responsibility for getting their work done. As Taylor-Klaus often advises parents, this process of gradually becoming independent has four phases: Phase 1 is director mode, when the parents hold the agenda; Phase 2 is collaborator mode, when parents and kids work together to problem-solve; Phase 3 is supporter mode, when kids come up with the solutions to problems while parents offer support; and Phase 4 is cheerleader mode, when parents are on the sidelines cheering their kids on.
As Taylor-Klaus notes, a parent-teenager relationship often switches back and forth between collaborator mode and supporter mode, depending on how much support they might need for a particular task. “We want to problem solve with them, to help set them up for success, and to be part of their own solution,” Taylor-Klaus said. “Our tendency as parents is to just throw a solution at them.”
If your teenager is struggling with getting their schoolwork done, helping them may either require collaborating to identify what the issues are and how to solve them, or supporting them by offering to lend assistance to whatever solution they’ve identified. This could be in the form of figuring out an organizational system that helps them stay on track, getting them extra tutoring to help with a subject they’re struggling with, or checking in with them regularly on what their progress is looking like and offering whatever support they might need. The important part is making sure that they are actively involved in their own success. “They need to feel ownership,” Taylor-Klaus said.
