Life doesn’t always go your way. This is one of the hardest and most universal lessons we learn as we move out of toddlerhood and into childhood and later adulthood. While it’s normal for a small child to throw a tantrum when they don’t get what they want when they want it, as kids get bigger, the ability to tolerate discomfort is an important skill to master. They need to wait their turn, lose gracefully, deal with hunger, sensory stimulation, and have someone side with someone else’s argument.
If your child seems to lose their cool more often than their peers or be unable to “deal” with aggravation or irritation in a developmentally appropriate way, you may want to help them build their frustration tolerance. We spoke with psychiatrist and parent coach Jess Beachkofksy about ways you can help your child grow these skills.
Spotting frustration before they blow
You know what a tantrum looks like, but to help your child build frustration tolerance, begin to notice early signs that they are getting overwhelmed and likely to have a meltdown. Then, help them start to notice how they feel in these moments so they can start to find ways to cope. “Kids need to be able to identify when they are getting frustrated so that they can implement the skills that will help them work through it,” Beachkofsky says.
Some common signs of building frustration or overall low frustration tolerance include:
Restlessness or fidgetingNegative self-talk (“I can’t do it.” “I’m stupid.”) Avoidance of certain tasksGiving up quicklyIrritabilityExaggerating the discomfort (“This is killing me!”)Crying more than seems normalAggression (physical and/or verbal)“Frustration tolerance can be a real pain for adults but it can be even more difficult for kids because they’re constantly learning about their emotions while trying to develop skills in academics, athletics, socially, and individually,” Beachkofsky says. This is why you often see a significant amount of emotional turmoil as a child is learning a new or difficult task.
How to talk to a frustrated child
If you’ve ever tried to approach a kid who is on the verge of a frustrated meltdown, you know they’re like a little emotional bomb. One wrong move and you’ve lost them completely. They’re more likely to give up forever than try again. Beachkofsky says to expect push back even when you approach gently. “Your kid won’t likely be super grateful and implement the techniques immediately,” she says.
If your child is escalating quickly, there’s no point in pushing them to the point of explosion. “Take a break! Getting away from the task, even very briefly, can help them gain a new perspective, and a fresh look can do wonders,” Beachkofsky says. From there, if they’re amenable, stay in the space, but use a mindfulness skill, hopefully one you’ve established in the past, such as deep breathing, noticing the space around them, or other skills like box breathing. Fully stepping away might be a good idea. “Move! Get physical, run around, rough house, get that heart rate up and expel some of those stress chemicals so they can come back to things refreshed and renewed,” Beachkofsky says.
Before going back to the task, make sure to check in using positive self-talk and focus on “growth-mindset” language. “Remember that YET is one of the most amazing words for making this shift,” she says. When your child uses the negative self-talk expression, “I can’t do it,” you can counter with, “You can’t do it…yet!”
How to establish good frustration habits
In moments throughout your day-to-day, model both frustration and frustration tolerance. “Express when you feel frustration and then apply some of the ‘tolerance’ skills to show kids how it works and that it really helps. This also normalizes the experience, which can create more space for asking for help and not feeling weird about it,” Beachkofsky says. This method is good for modeling “sitting in discomfort” like having to wait or being physically uncomfortable like when you’re very hot or hungry. You can talk about how you don’t like it, but you can’t do anything about it, and you will get through it. Doing this unattached to your child’s frustration will make it less pointed and more of a normal way of life.
When you’re about to start a new task, break it down into manageable chunks. Teachers often do this with assignments, either by creating sections or by having each piece build upon previous knowledge. Having your child take the lead on making the “chunks” or “scaffolding” is a good way to create self-advocacy. “Your kid knows how to do a ton of stuff already, so have them break down whatever they’re trying to learn into as many pieces they already know how to do as possible,” Beachkofsky says. “It also helps build those positive thoughts because they’re reminded of all the stuff related to this task that they are able to do.”
When frustration inevitably arises, remind them of the times they’ve faced frustration before and how they overcame it by being patient with themselves and using their skills of mindfulness, chunking, or whatever else got them through. Go far back, to something simple, like when they learned to ride a bike or even walk, if it’ll make them laugh. Laughter, if nothing else, will also dissipate their frustration.
