This post is part of our “Big Talks” series—a guide to helping parents navigate the most important conversations they’ll have with their kids. Read more here.
Back when we were kids, there was a thing known as The Talk. On one day out of the 6,570 days of our childhood, our parents were meant to sit us down and explain a little thing called sex. We’d get the basic fundamentals of the practice, as well as the heavily emphasized advice about waiting until much further into the future to attempt the practice—plus the warnings about all the possible consequences of not practicing it “safely.” It was awkward, if not mortifying, for everyone involved, but once it was done, it was out of the way forever.
These days, most of us know The Talk is actually a long series of talks that need to begin in the littlest years, when we teach kids the anatomically correct names for their body parts. Eventually, more than just knowing what sex is, they’ll also need to know about things like sexual abuse, sexual violence, and consent.
And sex is hardly the only “Big Talk” we need to begin having with our kids when they’re little and build upon over the course of their childhood in age-appropriate ways. Our kids live in a world full of racism, sexism, drugs, online predators, and school shootings—just to name a few perils—so one of these conversations is forever lurking around the next corner. It helps, I have found, to prepare ahead of time. That way, when they ask the unexpected question or we spot a teachable moment, we have the words ready and waiting (mostly).
Sure, you may still fumble your way through some topics a bit (or a lot) the first time, but if you’ve armed yourself with tips for age-appropriate language and explanations, it will relieve a bit of the pressure. And we’re here to help with that preparation with this series of 14 of the biggest talks you’ll have to have with your kids over the course of their childhood—and how to have them.
Before you start, though, here are a few tips that will help you navigate all of the Big Talks we cover in this series.
Remember that where you have Big Talks with kids is key
Awkward or challenging conversations are much less awkward or challenging—for you and for them—if you’re not forced to make eye contact. There are certainly times when serious conversations require eye contact, but in many cases, the lack of eye contact can make it easier for them to ask more open and honest questions.
My favorite place to have these talks is, of course, the car. Your eyes have to stay on the road; they can stare out the window. You can take your time responding to each other. It feels less threatening somehow. A walk around the neighborhood is good, too, because you’re close together but facing forward. I know one mom who likes to invite her teenage son into the kitchen to “keep her company” while she’s prepping dinner. She chops vegetables while he pours his heart out. There is safety in the fact that her attention is divided, if only slightly.
Admit that you feel awkward, too
You can be prepared with answers and you can pick a good location for Big Talks, but that doesn’t mean you won’t feel some awkwardness—you are only human, and you may not be used to putting words to some of these topics. If you feel awkward, though, there’s a good chance your kids will pick up on it. And they may interpret your hesitancy or discomfort to be a result of their questions and, therefore, infer that they did something wrong by asking them. Kids are good at internalizing our emotions and blaming themselves for things we’d never imagine they’d blame themselves for.
So if you feel awkward, admit it. “It might sound like I’m kind of fumbling for an answer here,” you might say. “That’s just because I’m not used to talking about XYZ very much, and I’m trying to find the right words. But it’s a good question, and I’m so glad you asked it.” It’s actually sort of a bonus: Your awkwardness gives you an extra opportunity to put words to your feelings, which is always a good thing to model.
End each Big Talk with this question
I have a tendency to get rambly when I’m having an awkward conversation with my son. I can often make the mistake of seeing one simple question as an opportunity to address a whole bunch of stuff at once, and I end up going off on my own tangents and, without intending to, dancing around giving him a straight answer to the question he actually asked. But I don’t want him to think I’m purposely evading the subject, so I always end one of these conversations with, “Did I answer your question?”
Sometimes he says I have, and sometimes he says, “Well, I still don’t understand...” and I’ll realize I’ve gone too far in the wrong direction or missed a crucial detail. This gives me a chance to course-correct so I don’t leave him more confused than when we started.
You can do this
Even if this all sounds nerve-wracking, trust that you’re ready. And consider this guide your starting point for how to have all of the following Big Talks with your kids. (Note: These articles will be published one at a time all day, every half hour. Links below will be added or updated throughout the day as each one publishes.)
