According to the nonprofit agency the Gun Violence Archive, there have been over 200 mass shootings in the United States in 2023, and it’s only May. Guns have been the leading cause of death for U.S. children and teenagers for several years, beating out car accidents, COVID, cancer, and drag queen story hours alike.
There’s obviously no way to prevent these deaths, but people are still trying. Some feel that limiting the number of guns in the country might lead to fewer gun deaths, while others suggest we need more guns so we can shoot our way out. I wonder who is right?
No matter where you stand on gun control, we all have to live in this nightmare until we arrive at a sensible solution. I assume this will take at least a month, so in the meantime, let’s see what the FBI has to say about it. The Federal Bureau of Investigation recently published a no-nonsense guide to how to survive an active shooter situation, and its efforts included producing “Run. Hide. Fight.” a helpful public service announcement/training video that is going viral as we speak. This information could save your life. Anything’s possible, right?
Run. Hide. Fight.
Active shooter response for regular victims—I mean “citizens”
“You can survive a mass shooting, if you’re prepared,” the FBI says, and that preparation is as easy as 1,2,3—run, hide, fight.
The video is a vérité style dramatization that begins with a young couple in a bar on what I assume is a first date. Their evening is interrupted by a mass shooter busting into the place and opening fire, giving both Ellen and Gary (that’s what I call them) the chance to grow as characters by overcoming adversity.
Run: Just skedaddle outta there
We never see the shooter, so I assume they’re a member of a group I don’t like, but we do see what happens to the bar’s patrons when the AR-15 (I assume) goes off—everyone runs. This is a good plan, according to the FBI. As the waitress fleeing from chaos and death puts it, “running makes you harder to hit and improves your chances of survival.”
If you want to lessen the chance of being murdered at a local saloon, you should note the location of all exits upon your arrival. Do this everywhere you go; it’s not weird.
When the shooting starts, don’t hesitate. Leave your belongings behind and run like hell. The FBI notes that you should evacuate away from the attacker. Oh, away from the gunfire. Got it.
If you manage to make it out to the safety of awaiting police officers, keep your hands up and follow their instructions. You don’t want the good guys with guns to shoot you. That’s a lot of paperwork for them.
Hide: Your guide to effective cowering
According to the FBI, you need to determine if the path to the exit puts you in the direct line of fire, because you’re some kind of battle tactician. If it does, don’t worry; you still have options that could help you survive. You could run into an office with other terrified strangers and lock and barricade the door, just like Ellen does in the video. She’s so resourceful. I get why Gary likes her.
While you’re in there, form a tribe with the others. Appoint a leader and establish a representative government. Take a vote on gun control and outlaw firearms within the break room’s borders. Problem solved.
Also: try to help the bullet-riddled by applying direct pressure to wounds and tourniquets as needed. You’d be great at this because of all your experience as a field medic in war zones or a Texas elementary schooler.
Don’t forget to turn off your phones (don’t make that last phone call to loved ones!) and “make a plan to defend yourself.” Grab a lamp or fire extinguisher, as shown in the video, because that will totally work. If fire-extinguisher-guy starts to develop feelings for you, politely but firmly explain that you’re not interested.
Fight: Bringing a nothing to a gunfight
The video goes on to dramatize the plight of Gary and two other guys cowering behind the bar who can neither leave nor make it to a break room. In this case, the FBI suggests using improvised weapons and employing “teamwork and surprise.” This, again, will totally work!
“I’m no victim. I’m ready for this,” Gary says, “If we control the weapon, we control the shooter. I’ll go for the gun; he’ll go for the arms; the bartender will go for the head.”
Unlike the heroic main character, I’m not ready for this. While the FBI offers no specific advice for me and other cowards, the POV angle and Gary speaking directly to camera suggests the viewer is the fourth person behind the bar, so I can only assume the best move is to offer moral support by saying, “Good plan, fellas! Get out there and take down the heavily armed lunatic!”
Blame and recrimination
Once the shooting event is over, you can find your date outside and hug her. Nothing livens up a Tinder date like bonding over a mass shooting. The wedding scene is being saved for the FBI’s sequel, How to Survive When a Jealous Guy with a Fire Extinguisher Shoots Up Your Wedding.
The FBI’s video doesn’t deal with the aftermath of a shooting, but what you do when the smoke clears is important too. Don’t forget to offer thoughts and prayers to the victims, and make sure no one politicizes the event.
In the days following a mass shooting, determine whether the shooter is a terrorist, a gang member, or a person with a mental illness. Then, see if they might have political views you dislike so you can argue about it on the internet more effectively.
How to survive a boring non-mass shooting
With all the excitement over mass shootings, it’s easy to forget old-school non-mass gun deaths. On average, 316 people are killed by gunfire every day in the U.S. Of those, 54% are suicides, 43% are homicides, and around 1% are accidents.
It’s harder to make videos about how to prevent these kinds of deaths, so if you are about to be murdered, just consider your life a small price to pay so other people can enjoy hunting, target-shooting, and open-carrying at the Waffle House.
Mass shootings and children
If you’re concerned about your children being murdered in their schools, don’t worry. Not only are your kids better at using an iPad than you, they know how to navigate mass shootings better than you, thanks to their years of training. School shooting drills are in place at an estimated 95% of American public schools, sometimes in the form of simulations of mass shootings, complete with gunfire and fake blood. You have to appreciate the showmanship.
We have don’t have compelling evidence that these programs are effective, and they may be causing unnecessary trauma, but, like producing a video about how to survive a mass shooting, school shooting drills are easy, and they feel like doing something, only without the “doing” part. Isn’t that what’s important here?
