If recent history has taught parents—especially white parents—anything, it’s that we need to talk with our kids more often and more in-depth about race. (I say “especially white parents” because parents of color have always talked to their kids about race.) But sometimes parents aren’t sure how, or when, to get started.
For many white parents, it can feel easier to switch off the news cycle and avoid talking about race with kids, instead encouraging them to just be nice to everyone. Some even chirp, “We don’t see color!”—a statement that’s both ridiculous if you have working eyeballs, and hurtful to people of color. Margaret e Jacobsen, a Black parent raising two mixed-race children, hears remarks like this all the time in their family’s predominately white neighborhood. In 2017, Jacobsen wrote for Romper about why it’s so damaging:
In the past, I never really thought about my children making friends with white children. For the most part, I was just happy they were making friends. But one day at my son Beck’s preschool, I was talking to another mother about being black and raising a mixed son. She turned to me and said, “We don’t even see Beck’s color! He’s just Chance’s friend!”
It felt like someone had kicked me in my stomach. When someone says they don’t see color, they’re simply stating that they refuse to acknowledge someone else’s ethnicity, thus erasing their background and culture. I couldn’t respond to what she said. She stood there smiling at me, as if I should be thanking her for saying that, when all I wanted to do was shake her and say, “How do you not see that he’s black? It’s OK to see that!”
Staying silent about race doesn’t only not prevent racism, it actually helps perpetuate prejudices. That’s why not being racist yourself isn’t enough; we have to be actively anti-racist. But how do you create a family environment where tough conversations like this flow, starting when your kids are young?
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Know that it’s not too early
If you’re wondering when you should start having conversations about race with your kids, the answer is probably now. No, you’re not going to sit your three-year-old down for a lesson on systemic racism, but even before kids hit preschool, they’re masters at sorting things: Blocks, crayons, and, yes, people. Acknowledge their observations, as the The Washington Post suggests:
Researchers say babies as young as 6 months can distinguish skin color and facial features among ethic groups. So when your 3-year-old points and asks at the grocery store, “Why is he black?” Don’t hush or ignore him. Instead help him. Reframe the question, “Yes, he is black. Do you want to go say hello and ask him what his name is?” Toddlers ask, “Why is the sky blue?” and “Why is his skin black?” in the same breath. They don’t associate meaning until they intuit our discomfort.
Brittni Lefevre, a mother in Livermore, Calif. who has organized trainings on how to be an ally to marginalized groups, has a memory from when she was just three years old. She received two baby dolls as a gift—one doll was black, and one was white. She took both dolls with her into the bathtub and started scrubbing the black one. When her mom asked her why she was doing that, she replied, “This one is dirty.” Her mom simply said, “Oh, that’s the color of that one’s skin. It’s clean!”
“I was not shamed,” recalls Lefevre, who is Mexican and white. “From then on, I was always very comfortable asking my mom questions about race, gender, and sex.”
Last month, we spoke with Dr. Erin Pahlke, an associate professor of psychology at Whitman College, who told us that when we’re talking to young children about race, racism, and white privilege, it’s helpful to start with the concepts of “fairness” and “advantage”:
“Privilege” is an abstract enough concept that many adults have a hard time defining it or identifying it when they see it, let alone kids. But a concept that little kids do get on a visceral level? The concept of fairness.
“They care about fairness a lot,” Pahlke says. “And so, pointing out examples where things aren’t fair and how race is involved in those examples of unfairness, is a solid way to start with kids when they’re in early to mid elementary school.”
As kids get older, you can segue from the concept of fairness into conversations about the inherent privilege one receives when they’re not the one being treated unfairly—specifically that this unfairness creates an advantage for white people.
Seek out age-appropriate resources
If you’ve never really talked about race and racism with your kids, it can be challenging to know where to start. As with any important, ongoing discussion with my own son, I watch for cues around us that can help us naturally segue into these conversations. It starts, when they’re very young, by answering their questions in simple, matter-of-fact ways. It means diversifying their toys, and exposing them to books, films, and podcasts with diverse characters, storylines, and family structures.
You can also lean on their favorite TV shows, like Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood, to help lay some of the groundwork. It’s good to watch episodes like this one together as a family, and then discuss them together afterward. Another great place to start is this PBS Kids Talk About episode on race and racism, hosted by National Youth Poet Laureate Amanda Gorman:
As kids get a bit older, parents can also take the basic lessons kids are learning in school and expand upon them at home. This discussion guide from PBS Kids can help you identify some basic terms, definitions, and conversation-starting questions you can ask your kids. As they develop a basic understanding of racism, you can also discuss current events in age-appropriate ways to provide further examples and context.
Here are some additional resources we’ve written about for you to check out:
Remember that you don’t have to have all the answers or teach them everything there is to understand and about race and racism in one sitting—you’re laying the groundwork now for your home to be a safe space to talk about these issues now and throughout their lives.
This article was originally published in 2017; it was updated on Feb. 22, 2021 to reflect current information and style.
