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Friendship is important, no matter what stage of life you are in. A good friendship can enrich your life in countless ways, creating a support system of people who will be there for you during good and bad times. And as important as friendship is, the relationships formed during the teenage years are especially impactful. It’s these friendships that can help shape the course of your child’s life, imbuing a sense of confidence that can help them better navigate the challenges of young adulthood.
“Our sense of identity gets shaped in adolescence,” said Emily Simonian, a licensed marriage and family therapist and head of clinical learning at Thriveworks. “That includes social identity.”
Why friendships become more important during adolescence
The adolescent years are when your kids are starting to form their own identity outside of their immediate family. “In grade school, you are pretty attached to your parental figures,” Simonian said. “That’s where you’re getting your sense of confidence and safety.”
When kids enter adolescence, though, outside relationships start to become more important. A good friendship can reinforce a sense of confidence and safety. “When strong friendships are formed, there’s an underlying sense of security in your social identity,” Simonian said.
These friendships can also act as a protective buffer, helping to protect your teenager from tough times. In a recent CDC report that examined the impact of the pandemic on high schooler’s mental health, students who reported a close friendship were significantly less likely to have poor mental health than those who didn’t. This protective effect included teenagers who were virtually connected to others.
Strong friendships are more important than popularity
Friendships formed during the teenage years can be especially impactful. As research shows, these friendships can help with short- and long-term academic success, lead to better mental health as an adult, and lead to more satisfying romantic relationships.
When it comes to predicting which teenagers are more likely to go on to succeed in life, it’s actually not about popularity. As Joseph Allen, a psychologist at the University of Virginia who studies the long-term impact of teenage friendships, recently told the Washington Post, “It’s not who is the life of the party. It’s more likely the two ninth-graders that [are] spending Friday night sitting around their basement watching YouTube videos and eating cookies but forming a friendship that is durable, and that teaches the skills that you need to then make it as an adult.”
How parents can support these friendships
For parents, the best thing to do in support of these friendships is to step back a little so their tweens and teens can develop their own sense of identity, which includes forming friendships on their own terms. “You want to give them the space to have a little bit of independence and start developing those close friendships,” Simonian said.
That said, although you want to give them the space they need, “parents can support their teens and their friendships by asking them about their friends, to make sure they are in friendships that are respectful,” Simonian said.
If you are worried about some of your teenager’s friendships, rather than offering advice, Simonian recommends asking open-ended questions. “If a teen doesn’t recognize a toxic friendship, which is sometimes the case, a parent can help them get in touch with connecting their experiences and their feelings,” she said.
