My youngest son tells me and his mother he loves us—a lot. Then he expects a hug after his verbal declaration of affection. Should we forget to embrace him, he will kindly make a request for a hug. Not only do these situations happen at home, but also when we’re out and about.
While I began to feel like his behavior borders on over-affectionate, family therapist and leadership consultant Ken Dolan-Del Vecchio, a licensed marriage and family therapist and author of the book Simple Habits of Exceptional (But Not Perfect) Parents, explained that what I might consider excessive behavior could be different for another family based on their culture.
Why some kids are overly affectionate
Don’t get me wrong: I love giving and receiving hugs from both of my kids, but I’ve also noticed my son acts this way when he feels a little anxious or thinks we’re getting frustrated with him, which I’ve read is pretty standard. Dolan-Del Vecchio agrees, but if you’re concerned about these behaviors, try speaking to a family therapist to help put any concerning behaviors in perspective.
“Some of it is genetics, and a lot is environmental and habitual,” Dolan-Del Vecchio says. “It’s important to keep that in mind.”
To add, a colleague who is also a foster parent told me that one of her foster sons would take displaying affection to another level. He was so friendly that it would reach the point of crossing boundaries with every stranger they would pass in a grocery store. She thinks it was likely due to the trauma of moving from home to home and fearing what would happen if there wasn’t an immediate bond with adults around him. Dolan-Del Vecchio says a child’s trauma can manifest itself in unusual ways.
“If the child has had trauma, there are all kinds of ways that it shows up,” he says. “It can go from being clingy to just really disconnecting and being so anxious about trying to trust.”
How to redirect a child’s overly affectionate behavior
Dolan-Del Vecchio makes clear that over-affection can stem from a lack of social interaction. It has caused children at every age to be “bizarrely stimulated,” which became even more punctuated during COVID lockdowns. He believes that by looking at screens instead of relating to others face-to-face, they will look for stimulation and affection where they can get it.
“Children are starved for touch,” Dolan Del-Vecchio says. “Human beings have hands for grasping and feet to move around. If we don’t touch other living things, we are starved for that and will jump toward the living things available. It just makes sense. Kids need to be out. They need to touch trees of different textures. They need to touch the dirt. They are not physiologically and evolutionarily prepared to touch only a flat screen.”
He also explains that over-affectionate children are following the example set for them from birth. Parents can’t respect their child’s physical boundaries because touch is how parents and babies communicate. However, as children develop verbal skills, parents can use simple language to help enforce some limits, such as asking a classmate’s permission before hugging them or limiting hugs with friends to the beginning and the end of class.
“You model for your kid that they own their body,” Dolan-Del Vecchio says. “It’s OK for you as their parent and for them as a child to set limits around touch.”
In the case of my younger son, whose over-affection might stem from anxiety, Dolan-Del Vecchio suggests redirecting the action. One way to do this is to sit them down and gently explain you don’t want to engage in that behavior right now and show them other ways to show love, such as blowing a kiss or cuddling with a stuffie.
“You can say, ‘You know what? A fist bump, blowing a kiss, or high five is good for right now,’” Dolan-Del Vecchio says. “And you do that in a way that’s kind. You never treat a child in a way that will hurt their self-esteem. You’re guiding them in a way they understand as love.”
If you’re a pet owner, your dog or cat can help your child understand appropriate behavior, as these animals are just as vulnerable as children. But whatever boundaries you set, Dolan-Del Vecchio stresses that you remain consistent.
He says, “If they asked you to try something 600 times, and then the 601st time you relent, they learned that’s how it works.”
