Photo: Val Shevchenko (Shutterstock)
During an argument, you might feel that you need help from a family member or friend to help find some middle ground with your partner. While asking for support from a third party might sound like a good idea, it can also be a sign of triangulation, which is a form of emotional manipulation.
“Triangulation is a three-person interaction that a person didn’t consent to. Essentially, it is when your partner introduces another person into your relationship dynamic to help them achieve some objective of their own,” Dr. Sarah E. Hill, a psychologist and professor on dating, tells Lifehacker. “Usually, it occurs when one partner is trying to manipulate the other into behaving in some way that is advantageous for their own ends.”
Why triangulation is detrimental to relationships
No one likes to feel like a third wheel in their relationship, and triangulation amps up that icky feeling tenfold.
“Intimacy is created through the couple sharing a private sphere of communication and experience that isn’t shared with others,” Hill explains. “So, any time that you introduce another person into a relationship dyad—whether the person is real or exists in the abstract, like an ex—it reduces intimacy.” It’s also detrimental, she says, because it’s ultimately manipulative. “Healthy relationships are based on directly communicating about one’s needs.”
How triangulation shows up in relationship
According to Hill, triangulation shows up any time your partner tries to change your behavior or feelings by using a third person as a manipulation device. Below she shares some of the most common scenarios where triangulation tends to show up.
Your partner mentions their ex and how much they are trying to get back together with them. “Here, they are introducing a third person into your relationship dynamic to make you feel insecure and jealous, as a means of increasing your attention to the relationship,” Hill explains.`Your partner has some issue with you, but rather than talking to you about it, they talk about it with someone that you both know in common. “[This is done] with the ultimate goal of getting the information back to you,” Hill says. Your partner pulls a third party into an argument that you are having, as a way to tilt the balance of power in their favor. “For example,” Hill says. “If you are arguing about the importance of having weekly date nights and your partner is against it, he or she might pull a like-minded friend into the argument to try to get you to concede that date nights are not important.”A partner could tell you about a flirtatious coworker who is after them. “They might even ask for your advice on what to do about this person,” Hill explains. “They are doing this to create the illusion that they hold high desirability as a means of trying to make you feel insecure and like you need to do more to make them happy.”What to do about it
Hill says minimizing triangulation is often as simple as addressing it directly. “If you don’t think that your partner is being intentionally manipulative, addressing it can be as simple as saying, ‘I understand that this probably isn’t your intention, but bringing this other person into our relationship feels like an attempt to manipulate my behavior,’” she explains. Then, Hill says, you can ask your partner to talk about the reasons behind the triangulation attempt, seeing whether it’s an issue that can be addressed in some other way. “For example, if a partner is talking about an ex because they are feeling like they aren’t valued in the relationship, this is an opportunity to talk about healthy ways for everyone to feel valued in the relationship,” she notes.
However, if you think that your partner is being intentionally manipulative, Hill suggests having a slightly different conversation focused more directly on the inappropriateness of the dynamic and being clear about your boundaries. “Triangulation can be a common ploy among narcissists, so it is important to make it clear what you will not tolerate in a relationship, so that you can make an escape if you are in a relationship that begins to turn unhealthy,” she cautions. In this instance, seeking the help of a third party—like a therapist—might be a good idea.
