I was in a coffee shop the other day and overheard a group of four people discussing one of my favorite books. Through eavesdropping, I figured out they were a little book club. I wanted to talk to other book nerds about one of my favorite books! But, like, how?
Joining established groups is a skill we need from preschool through adulthood. Now, thanks to reading Dr. Robyn Silverman’s upcoming book How To Talk To Kids About Anything, I know there’s a six-step process to “merging” with a new group. Silverman, a child and teen development specialist, writes about what adults can say to kids to help them get through life’s awkward moments, including making new friends.
As we start a new school year, kids of all ages will encounter opportunities to get involved with new friend groups. Teaching them the six steps for joining a group will give them the confidence to get more involved.
Silverman says that children might need to join an established group of friends when they start a new school, join a new activity like sports teams or clubs, or move to a new neighborhood where local children already know each other. “Most children don’t want to simply be ‘going to school’ or ‘performing on stage’ but also being part of the group and making friends,” she says.
The six steps for joining a group
Silverman draws the six-step process from psychologist Eileen Kennedy-Moore, co-author of Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends, who suggests you merge or blend into a group rather than try to change it.
This is a roadmap that works for socially reluctant kids and adults:
Listen and watch. This is the step I was stuck on in the coffee shop. Observing a group gives you important information, but it doesn’t quite get you involved.Move closer. Maybe your child starts play try-outs at the back of the auditorium, getting the lay of the land. At some point they should move closer to the group. “The idea here is that you want to blend—not force,” Silverman says.Help out. Someone dropped a book, or kicked a ball out of bounds. There’s always some little thing that gives a newcomer the opportunity to do a favor.Compliment what you see. Who doesn’t love compliments? Paying a compliment to someone in the group lets them know you are friendly and interested.Make an offer. A potential new group of friends is drawing Pokémon at recess? Your kid could say, “Hey, I have a book about drawing Pokémon! I’ll bring it to school tomorrow so we can share.”Get in line for a turn. Now that your child has made a friendly impression, the group should be open to including them, as long as they follow norms and wait for a turn.
“Asking a question can also be a good link,” Silverman says. “Imagine a child wants to join a group making a sand sculpture on the beach. You don’t want your child just plopping themselves down and starting to build with the established group. But watching and waiting, seeing that they are collecting shells, offering, ‘I found this shell if you’d like to use it. What are you making? It’s great!’ That will create more of a connection.’I’ve got an extra bucket- want me to get it?’ Now you’ve got blending instead of forcing.”
Getting involved in groups at different stages
Silverman gives us some examples of what joining a group might look like at different ages.
“The language might become more sophisticated and the scenarios may change, but the system is similar,” she says.
Preschool: In classroom, art center.
· “You dropped your red crayon—here you go!”
· “I like the animals you are all drawing. Your bear is so cute!”
· “I’ve got a brown crayon if you want to use it.”
· “I’m going to draw a bunny on my paper! We’re all drawing animals!”
Elementary: Recess (Basketball rolls towards child).
· “I’ve got it! Here you go!”
· “Wow, nice shot!”
· “I’ve got an extra basketball, if you want to use mine too.”
· Then, get in line for a turn.
Tween: First day of middle school.
· “You all looking for Ms. Green’s classroom? I just finally found it. I can show you if you want.”
· “What’s your name? I love your shoes/backpack/hair!”
· “I brought a million pencils, if you need one.”
· “There’s a few empty seats together over here. Want to sit together?”
Teen: Play try-outs
· “They handed out these mini-scripts—did you all get one? Here you go. They gave me a bunch.”
· “I heard the three of you warming up before—your voices are amazing.”
· “They said we should get in groups of four, want to be a group?”
· “Awesome. You want to be person A, B, C, or D?”
Help your shy child get started
Some children will be hesitant to take the first step, especially if an adult is not there to prompt them.
“Take the pressure off. Your child doesn’t need to connect with the whole group all at once! Look for one child in the group to connect with—you don’t need to interact with the whole group right away. Smile at one child and look for a smile in return. One small connection can open up a whole established group,” Silverman says.
She also suggests brainstorming with your child to come up with interesting questions they can ask potential friends, like:
“What was your favorite thing you did this summer?” “What do you like to do after school?”Aim for open-ended questions rather than yes/no questions for more conversation potential
When the merger falls short
While this process gives kids a head start toward being included, not all attempts to join a new group will succeed. If your child has hurt feelings after trying to join a group, here’s how you can help:
Validate the feeling: “It can feel cruddy when you want to play with a group of kids but they say ‘no.’ It makes sense that you feel a little hurt. I’m here to listen or hug you or for whatever else you need.”Normalize: “This happens with lots of kids. For many people, it takes a few tries before they find the right fit.”Wonder: “I wonder if there’s a few kids who like to jump rope like you do. Would you like to bring in a few of your jump ropes tomorrow and see if anyone wants to join you?”Make a plan: “I love your idea of asking Sophie to play during recess since the two of you were partners for reading time today. That’s a great plan.”
