That ‘Compliment’ Might Actually Be Offensive

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Compliments (usually) feel good. They can reflect appreciation and value, help build and boost self-esteem, encourage positive behavior, and help create a positive environment. However, even if a compliment is well-intentioned, it can easily fall flat. On the extreme end, it also has the potential to cross lines in the workplace or on a date and cause offense.

“In a workplace, giving and receiving compliments can help create a positive environment that promotes teamwork, productivity, and job satisfaction,” says Carolyn Rubenstein, a licensed psychologist. “In personal relationships, compliments promote intimacy, trust, and an emotional connection ... When people feel valued, they are more likely to connect to others and develop positive feelings toward them.”

So how do you compliment someone in a way that hits all those positive markers—without risking unintentionally insulting or offending someone?

What sort of compliment can actually be offensive?

Pretty much anything that is a backhanded compliment with any negative inserted is inappropriate and is bound to make you sound like a jerk, says Rubenstein. For example: “You lost weight; you look so much better!”

“That’s insulting,” Rubenstein says. “Instead, say something like, ‘You are really looking fit and great!’”

Another example: “You look so much younger with that new hairstyle/color!” According to Rubenstein, this makes someone think that they looked old before. Instead, say: “I love what you did with your hair, it really makes your eyes stand out!” Always emphasize only the positive.

Saying to your spouse, “I can’t believe you are doing such a great job raising our kids,” is another no no.

“This will make your spouse doubt your trust,” Rubenstein says. “Instead, say, ‘We are all so fortunate to have such an involved parent like you. It’s so great for the kids and for me.’”

And if you think saying something like, “You’re so strong! I don’t know how you are handling everything in your life now,” is a good compliment, think again.

“While this may seem like you are bolstering someone, you also point out how bad their life is,” Rubenstein says. “Reframe that with, ‘you have such a great attitude, and we all go through challenges; please let me know if you need a friendly ear.’”

Also stay away from comments relating to age. Telling someone, “You look terrific for your age,” is not a good look. “Perhaps you don’t know the person’s age and you are overestimating it,” Rubenstein says. “If you want to compliment someone’s appearance, leave out anything related to chronological age.”

Understand the difference between a genuine and shallow compliment

If you want to come off as more sincere when giving a compliment, you need to know the difference between, “I like your outfit,” and, “Your outfit really compliments your eyes.” The former is a shallow compliment while the latter is a genuine one, and according to Rubenstein, a genuine compliment is more likely to be well-received and appreciated.

“A genuine compliment is thoughtful and specific, highlighting a particular quality or action displayed by the recipient,” she says. “It reflects real feelings and appreciation for the person they complimented. Meanwhile, a shallow compliment may be insincere, generic, and has little meaning behind it.”

When giving a genuine compliment, Rubenstein says it’s important to be specific. “Highlight a particular action, quality, or accomplishment; this way, you come across as more sincere.” Additionally, she recommends being aware of cultural differences. “Different cultures can influence how a compliment is received. To avoid this, be mindful of cultural norms when complimenting someone.”

And lastly, if in a professional setting, make sure your compliment is appropriate. “If not, this could create an uncomfortable situation and make the other person uncomfortable,” Rubenstein says.