It’s mid-July 2023. The planet is roasting. Society is tearing itself apart. We are adrift in an ocean of nightmares, and God has abandoned us—but we can still shop, goddamnit. We are a free people, with a constitutionally guaranteed right to send money to rich assholes for shit we don’t need.
Nothing you can buy on Amazon will fill the hole at the center of your being—not even on Prime Day!—but the products below may help you fully embrace your suffering. And with prices this low, you can’t afford not to be consumed by crippling despair.
An Amazon Prime Day Guide to taking to your bed
If you’re committed to surrendering to despondency, you’ll need to be prepared to stay in bed for weeks or even years at a time. So you need something comfy to sleep on, like this Zinus Green Tea Memory Foam Mattress. The layer of green tea and charcoal infused padding will keep your mattress fresh, even if you don’t bathe. It’s nearly 30% off, and will inspired you to ruminate on the fact that the person who figured out how to infuse green tea into a mattress is probably a millionaire. Why didn’t you think of that, idiot?
Image: Amazon
Don’t worry about a bed frame or headboard—just put it on the floor, that’s all you deserve! But do consider sheets. There’s something to be said for classic “bare mattress”-style depression, but you could also indulge yourself with these 1500 Thread Count Egyptian sheets. They’re brown, to hide the stains.
Sheets may be optional, but blackout curtains are not—you want your depression-hole as dark as night, all the time, so blot out the sun with these Deconovo Blackout Curtains.
You may be asking, “But won’t I starve?” Perhaps in a hopeful voice. Sorry. Instead you’ll cook luxurious meals in bed with this priced-to-move George Foreman grill. Its non-stick surface is large enough to prepare a meal for the family, but it will also work for a single person no one else cares about.
Speaking of bodily needs, it’s time to ditch the pee-bottles and move up to a Medline Drop Arm Commode. Having this baby next to the bed makes relieving yourself easy, and it’s Prime Day cheap at only $84.99.
Buying televisions will not help you feel less haunted, but do it anyway
Image: Amazon
If you’re going to spend your life in bed, you’re going to need at least two good televisions. I recommend this SAMSUNG 85-Inch Class QLED 4K LS03B Series, and this LG 55-Inch Class OLED Objet Collection Posé Series Smart TV. They’re expensive, but less so because of the Prime Day sale, but don’t worry about it: put it them on your Amazon credit card and forget it. There’s no future anyway.
When they arrive (courtesy of Amazon Prime’s free delivery!) set them up on the floor. Keep one locked to A&E Crime Central. It’s only $0.99 for 2 months versus the regular $4.99/month price. Keep the other set on Hallmark Movies Now for the same low price.
Leave them both on all day and night, but don’t look at them. Write your manifesto on the back of the overdue credit card bill notices with these SAKURA Pigma Micron Fineliner Pens instead.
It’s not all terrible. It’s only almost all terrible.
Image: Amazon
Life isn’t 100% despair. There are moments of connection and transcendent joy that reveal an underlying unity to all creation (or so I have read). To keep the sputtering flame of hope alive, purchase this Fisher-Price Little People Toddler Toy Travel Together Friend Ship Musical Playset. Stare at the tiny figures’ hopeful smiles and imagine you could join Mia and Captain Beau on their tiny “Friend Ship” as it’s tossed about upon the endless sea.
