We all need to make excuses from time to time: Things don’t always go according to plan—including for reasons beyond our control. But for some people, making excuses is the norm, rather than an exception.
Everyone knows someone like that, whether it’s a flaky friend, a perpetually late co-worker, an unreliable family member, or a new romantic partner. And while being on the receiving end of someone’s constant excuses is annoying, it can also have more serious consequences—like if you were depending on that person to complete a task at work, or participate in childcare, for instance.
Although we can’t change other people’s behavior, there are steps we can take to deal with—or at least better understand—their constant excuses. Here’s what to know.
Why do people make excuses?
People make excuses to explain and/or justify some type of failure on their part, like missing a deadline, arriving late to a meeting, or canceling plans at the last minute.
There are times when an excuse is completely truthful and valid; for instance, having to miss a friend’s wedding because you’ve tested positive for COVID or the flu, or arriving late to work because there was an accident that resulted in getting stuck in traffic. These tend to be one-off excuses, rather than something habitual.
The excuses we’re concerned about here are the ones a person makes constantly—to the point where it’s a surprise if they actually follow through on something. These excuses may be real, made up, or a combination of the two, and tend to be a defense mechanism “disguising one’s insecurities and protecting one’s ego,” psychologist Valeria Sabater explains.
While there are some people who have an excuse for everything because they refuse to accept responsibility for anything, and, instead, blame something or someone else, that’s not true of all habitual excuse makers.
Take, for example, someone living with a chronic illness with a range of fluctuating symptoms that make it difficult for them to plan anything very far in advance. Perhaps they’re not yet ready to disclose their illness; or, maybe they have been open about it, but not taken seriously, and are put in a position of having to constantly provide explanations regarding their limitations.
How to deal with someone who constantly makes excuses
If you’ve reached the point where someone’s never-ending excuses have become problematic for you or your relationship, here are a few things to consider:
Be kind and tolerant
Whether you reach your breaking point with someone, or catch them using an excuse that you know is a lie, don’t lash out at them or have any kind of a big, angry reaction. In fact, according to psychologist Susan Krauss Whitbourne, Ph.D., that’s the worst thing you can do.
“People who fear your reaction are not going to confide in you about why they can’t or didn’t do something,” she wrote in a 2014 article for Psychology Today. “If they feel their behavior will be accepted, they will be less likely to come up with the excuse in the first place.”
Ask them about it
Depending on your relationship with the person, and the specific situation, it may make sense to gently bring up their habitual excuses. You can let them know that you’ve noticed that it has become a pattern, and express concern about their well-being, if it makes sense in the context. You can also ask if there’s anything you can do to help them accomplish whatever it is they’re making excuses about, to find a solution that works for everyone.
The person might offer an explanation for their excuses to help you better understand where they’re coming from, but that’s not always going to happen. In some cases, it might be most effective to let them know that when they make excuses instead of following through with something, it puts you in a difficult position, and therefore, you need to come up with a solution together to prevent it from happening again.
Give them an out
If it’s a situation where you know the other person is always making up excuses because they feel threatened, it might make sense to acknowledge what’s going on, and give them an out for this particular scenario. You can let them know that they don’t have to continue to think of and make excuses for this in the future in order to save-face.
