Photo: Tero Vesalainen (Shutterstock)
I’ve been ghosted and I’ve done the ghosting. When someone ghosts me, I assume it’s because they’re so in love with me, the prospect of texting me back is simply too overwhelming. My name pops up on their phone screen, and for my suitor, it’s like looking at the sun. And so, consumed with emotions too powerful to describe, the easiest thing for them to do is keep their true feelings locked away and ignore me indefinitely. But when I ghost someone else, it’s usually because I got bored.
More seriously, there are plenty of times in which I’m pro-ghosting.There are a lot of different opinions on what qualifies as ghosting, but it usually comes down to the lack of explanation. Different from a formal rejection, ghosting leaves people with one-sided uncertainty to sort through. When is it ever OK to do that to another person?
Despite all the connotations of “ghosting” as an unfair or immature disappearing act, sometimes it’s necessary for your emotional wellbeing or safety. Below are some of the many legitimate scenarios when it’s perfectly acceptable—or even advisable—to ghost.
You never met face-to-face
Not to brag, but my dating app inboxes are chock full of false starts and fizzle-outs. If you want to find success on the apps, you need to make real plans ASAP. Otherwise, the threshold for ghosting is a high one. If you’ve never even made plans to meet in person, then you don’t owe anyone an explanation for why you’ve stopped responding. On the contrary, I’d feel horrible if someone I’ve only ever texted took the initiative to detail why they don’t like texting me anymore. On that note…
It protects their feelings
If I only go on one or two dates with someone, I’d rather get ghosted than hear the reasons they aren’t into me. Sometimes you want to explain what someone did wrong, e.g. they said something offensive or violated your boundaries. But if your reasons are more benign (they’re boring, or have bad music taste, or give you a vague “ick” feeling), ghosting could be the kindest course of action.
You were clear about your intentions
Sometimes a hook-up is just a hook-up. If you respectfully communicated your intentions from the start, and the other person seemed to understand them at the time, then you don’t need to engage in a drawn-out rejection period.
Try not to interpret this one too generously, however. Ghosting can be an inconsiderate, cowardly course of action. Ask yourself if you really, truly communicated the nature of your relationship with this person before you give yourself an “OK” to ghost freely.
If someone misrepresented who they are
Liars, catfishers, cheaters—if someone deceives you, you’re well within your rights to ghost. In fact, I’d argue that it hardly counts as “ghosting” if the other person can deduce on their own why you stopped responding. Confrontation isn’t always wise, especially if there’s a chance the other person can manipulate or lash out at you. Similarly….
You have a bad gut feeling
If you feel unsafe for any reason, ghosting might be the safest move. As Dr. Carla Marie Manly, a clinical psychologist specializing in relationship safety, tells Tinder: “Confronting an angry or abusive person may do far more harm than good. Ghosting an abusive or chronically angry person doesn’t mean you are weak; it means you are smart and strong.” Trust your instincts and don’t force yourself to stay in an unsafe situation.
The bottom line
To zoom out for a moment: Humans were never meant to have constant access each other’s every thought and feeling. This applies to emails, Slacks, and texting someone with whom you only went on one mediocre date. The term ghosting is overused and abused by people who feel entitled to a reason for every human interaction. In reality, sometimes a connection between two people simply isn’t there, for no good reason at all.
So long as your relationship to another person is still in the earliest possible stages, ghosting might be the kindest move to preserve their feelings. Likewise, ghosting can also be the safest course of action for you personally. Ultimately, you’re allowed to walk away when something doesn’t feel right—no explanation needed.
