As the world enjoys our newfound freedom to leave our houses and the drama of the presidential election fades into memory, we’re all freed up to make up conspiracy theories about video games, pretend to drive invisible cars, and shove garlic up our noses.
This week in drama: Britney not free…yet
Despite the best efforts of her many internet supporters and an impassioned plea from the singer herself, reclusive pop star Britney Spears is not free…at least not yet.
This week, district court Judge Brenda Penny declined to change Spears’ conservatorship in response to a request filed a few months ago by her attorney. The court maintains Britney is “substantially unable to manage his or her financial resources or to resist fraud or undue influence.”
The drama is sure to heat up in the days to come, especially since the firm in charge of Spears’ conservatorship has asked to resign, telling the court, “The Conservatee claimed irreparable harm to her interests in her testimony and, more specifically, the Conservatee’s objection to the continuation of the voluntary Conservatorship and her desire to terminate the Conservatorship…Petitioner has heard the Conservatee and respects her wishes.”
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TikTok trend of the week: Moms
Moms, do you wonder what your offspring really thinks about you, like beyond the “Number One Mom” mug you got for Mother’s Day? A recent online trend may help you understand. With music from Eminem’s “My Mom” in the background, TikTokers have started telling the world about their mothers, whether they’re putting razors in their hair buns before a fight, crashing furry conventions, or exhibiting symptoms of Munchausen’s by proxy. The trend encompasses sad and disturbing moms, young moms, rich moms, and every kind of mom in between.
I’m not going to make a TikTok video or anything, but back in the ‘80s, my mom’s hobby was cheating casinos; she used a rosary to keep count at Atlantic City blackjack tables.
This week in music: Olivia Rodrigo steals…and that’s OK
Everyone is saying 18-year-old pop star Olivia Rodrigo is a thief. First, twitterers pointed out the similarities between the cover art for Rodrigo’s new album Sour Prom and Hole’s seminal Live Through This. Then, music fans noticed the likeness of Rodrigo’s new song “Brutal” and Elvis Costello and the Attractions’ late 70s new wave banger “Pump it Up.”
They’re not wrong, either. “Brutal” lifts the iconic hook from “Pump it Up” note for note and features Costello-style self-loathing lyrics like “I’m not cool, and I’m not smart. I can’t even parallel park,” too.
All pop music is theft, though, and “Brutal” is a great song. Elvis himself thinks so, too. He even gave a “Go ahead and steal from me, kid” message, tweeting “This is fine by me…it’s how rock and roll works. You take the broken pieces of another thrill and make a brand new toy. That’s what I did.” Dude stole his whole style from Buddy Holly anyway.
TikTok warning of the week: Do not put garlic up your nose
If you can hear my exasperated sigh from wherever you are, it’s because people on TikTok are putting garlic up their noses.
They say that shoving a clove in your nostril will relieve the congestion that comes from summer colds, and are happily posting videos of snot pouring out of their skulls. It’s very gross. Other TikTokers, like @kindminds_smarthearts, are not sold. She tried it and reports “I still can’t breathe and now it smells like garlic.”
Surprisingly, doctors say you shouldn’t put garlic up your nose. It might produce more mucous, but that’s from the garlic irritating the mucus membrane, not the result of it cleaning out your nasal passages or whatever.
Both my mom when I was five and Dr. Anthony Del Signore, director of rhinology and endoscopic skull bases surgery at Mount Sinai Union Square in New York, agree “We typically do not recommend putting anything into the nostril for the obvious fact that it could get dislodged or lodged up into the nasal cavity,” Del Signore told Today.
This week in video games: Is Hideo Kojima making a Silent Hill game?
The internet gaming world is abuzz with rumors that Hideo Kojima, the enigmatic creator of Metal Gear Solid, is working on a Silent Hill game.
The “clues” include an announced Silent Hill game that Kojima really was working on with Guillermo del Toro back in 2014, as well a teaser for a horror game called Abandonded from obscure developer Blue Box Games. The theory is that Blue Box is fake company and Abandoned is actually a Kojima-helmed Silent Hill game. When gamers started speculating, Blue Box fed the flames, posting “Guess the name: Abandoned = (First letter S, Last letter L). Reveal closing in... #PS5 #Exclusive.” And then deleting the tweet.
Like most internet conspiracy theories, this one probably isn’t true—Blue Box has walked back the tweet and denied being a Kojima-front-company, and the rest of the “evidence” is shaky at best—but still, it’s one of those stories that should be true, and maybe if we all wish hard enough maybe we can make it true. For more info, check out this reddit mega-thread and Kotaku’s deep-dive.
Viral video of the week: The Invisible Car
TikTok user @lightskinyogi can drive an invisible car and the weirdly hairless online swami has posted video after video of the trick, gaining millions of views and leaving minds blown in his wake.
Suspecting trickery as opposed to supernatural yogic power, commenters have challenged the dude with requests like, “do it with a back view” and put a light above you so I can see the if there are any shadows” and “do it with a someone standing behind you.”
So far this mysterious fellow has risen to every challenge, so I can only conclude that he, and other TikTok users of the hashtag #Pzoom, actually possess supernatural abilities beyond the ken of science, and they’re using their power over physics, matter, and energy make viral internet videos.
