Maybe they forget to take their shoes off when they come into your home or they never say “please” or “thank you.” Perhaps you’re not fond of the language they use or how they speak and act around your son or daughter. Once they make your shit list, it can be difficult for that friend to get back into your good graces. To help you make the best of an annoying situation, here are a few tips to help ease the tension when you just don’t like little Billy.
Help kids think critically about their friendships
Clinical psychologist Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, author of the upcoming book Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions about Friends and Other Kids, recommends parents ask their child what qualities they like in their friend. Try asking questions along these lines: What do you like most about them? What do you enjoy doing together? How do you usually feel when you’re with that friend?
Parents also want to help their child think critically about the relationship. Sometimes kids stick with a not-so-nice friend because they feel they have no other options. Bad behavior may happen because your child hasn’t learned how to set boundaries.
“It’s worthwhile to talk to your kids about what you think it means to be a good friend,” Kennedy-Moore says. “Your goal isn’t to insist that your kid admits that that kid is a terrible person, but just to think things through.”
Don’t force your child to end a friendship
If you catch your child’s friend breaking one of your house rules, you should say something about it without being a bad host. You can calmly tell the friend what they should do rather than what they shouldn’t do. Another option is to discuss it privately with your child after their friend has left.
“You can say, ‘Did you notice that? What did you think about that? Why do you think we don’t do that in our family,” Kennedy-Moore says. “Get your kid to think it through without saying or forcing the kid to say their friend is a bad person.”
Kennedy-Moore says a common mistake a parent can make is preventing their child from seeing their friends they don’t like. There is a good chance your child will run into them at school or the bus stop, putting them in an awkward position.
“One of the few places kids have autonomy is in the friends they choose,” she says. “We don’t want to step on that if we can help it.”
How to get to know your kid’s friend
If you get to know your child’s friend a little better, you might be able to see for yourself what your child sees in them. Discovering their pleasant qualities might help you put your irritations in perspective. However, you probably have enough trouble getting your own kids to open up about their day, so it can feel challenging getting their friends to talk to you. Kennedy-Moore says it might be easier to find common ground than you think.
“It’s usually activities that get the kid going that you can talk about,” she says. “It also depends on the kind of questions that you ask. Maybe if you notice their T-shirt reflects some of their interests, that might be easier. Maybe you know that they started playing [a sport], and you can ask them about it.”
If you really don’t like your child’s friend (or how they treat your kid), you can offer alternatives. Dr. Kennedy-Moore suggests making playdates or having a family game night with another friend.
“Sometimes, I would invite another family over after dinner,” she recalls. “We would play a game and then have some dessert. Then the parents would chat while the kids would go off and play.”
Remember that childhood friendships are a learning experience
Your child is trying to understand basic social skills like kindness and empathy, and it is easy to forget that goes for everyone at their age level. Relationships are complicated, and it takes a while to figure them out. Kennedy-Moore recommends looking at the other kid with compassion. If we can understand what our kids like about them, it may be easier for us to have a kinder view of the friend. Unless your child’s friend is violent or putting your child in danger, try to be more patient with them.
“Development is on our side,” Kennedy-Moore says. “Whatever happens with the friendship, your kid will learn they don’t want to be friends with somebody like that and how to handle a situation when the other kid is bossing them around.”
